1. Who told you North Carolinians can count?
2. Their Excel spreadsheets had too many circular references.
3. God is angry about Kay Hagan.
4. They're still waiting for someone to realize Obama is black.
5. The dingo ate their ballots. (Billy is worried no one will get this one.)
6. Radical muslim socialist black liberation theologists are holding everyone hostage.
7. They're trying to find the voter fraud. It HAS to be there!
8. There's still confusion over whether we killed him in a cave on the border of Pakistan.
9. There was a barbecue cook-off in Selma.