I just read this post at Our Little Tongginator about adoption as God's Plan B when a child cannot remain with his or her biological family. The consensus seems to be that people should fight to keep biological families together and that adoption should come only after all other resources have failed. In this sense, the biological parents are the child's Plan A and the adoptive parents are the child's Plan B. (The actual post is much more nuanced, so go read it.)
One graph of this post states that it "is an absolute TRAGEDY that a child cannot stay with his or her biological family" no matter the cause and that adoption is "bandaid placed on a gaping wound." I agree with this statement, to a point. The graph goes on to reference "the sins of another who held power over the parents (whether familial or societal or political)."
That's where it loses me. This hits so close to home. I agree that in a perfect world, parents would only give birth to children they intend to love and protect, and that the resources for doing that would be available. But if God's plan for a child in this real world is that he stay with his biological family, where does that leave the adoptive parents who have poured their souls into loving a child (or the child who is as cherished by his adoptive family as any biological child) when biological parents come calling months or years after the adoption? Is it a sin to fight reunification with the biological family when sometimes you forget that you didn't push your adopted child from your own womb?
For five long years, I attempted to maintain an open relationship between my son and his biological father, but I had to end it. Why? Because he put our son in danger by taking him to a hotel room with his crack-addicted wife (who'd been cheating on him for months) to reconcile. He was supposed to return Javi to our home at 6 pm on a Friday night and it was 11 pm before we finally found our baby and got him home (after hunting and begging and calls to the police). Four years have passed since then and I continue to deny him any visitation with my son until he hashes out with us what he did and earns back our trust that our son is safe with him. He doesn't think he should have to do that and says he simply made a mistake on the night in question. He says I am a bully, that I over-reacted to the night in question, and that it is wrong to keep him away from his child. Who's right?
Then there's my sister, Javi's biological mother. She has benefited from the same open relationship, until I found out she was sneaking gifts to Javi from his biological father and coaching him to keep it a secret from us. My son doesn't keep secrets well and eventually told us, crying the entire time because he thought it was bad to betray these people. I confronted my sister is a calm sit-down session and she called him a liar and a manipulator. A full month later, Javi broke down and told me the rest of the story. She was also squirreling him away to talk to his biological father on the phone -- all while telling him that if he told us, he'd get them all in trouble. I gave her the opportunity to 'fess up and she threw her barbed-wire lies at the very child she gave to me to love and protect. She had the chance for understanding and she chose selfishness instead. So I've shut the door on her. Is it wrong to keep her biological child away from her?
So you can see why I'm torn. If you'd asked me on December 24, 2000 whether my son should be reunited with his biological parents, I would've said yes. Ask me that question now and I'll give you a million reasons why it's wrong. The #1 reason is that their biological child is our son now. They terminated any rights they had to him. Does that mean I'm using my "power" to keep him away from them? Should I ignore their continuous screw ups in the name of keeping a biological unit together? Is it sinful and selfish to stand my ground? Should I encourage and facilitate their presence in his life simply because of biology? Maybe letting them in won't scar him for life -- but what if it does?
Obviously I have felt strongly that Javi's biological parents have a role in his life (though if I had to do it over again, things would be different), and I'm willing to accept that God has a plan for my son. However, I can't believe that He would want me -- or any other adoptive parent -- to play so fast and loose with an innocent child's heart in the name of biology or our perception of His will. Do you?