Open Letter to Mother Nature

You got me! You, in your infinite wisdom, must've laughed when I sat outside in 60 degree weather just two days ago and planted seeds with my children.

With every strained-patience "that's it" and "let's wait one minute" I uttered to them as they tried to dump every last seed into one square inch of space and pour the entire bucket of water onto a single patch of earth, you must've cackled with impending joy at my misery.

Because you knew, didn't you? You knew that you'd be suffocating us under yet another four inches of freaking snow. I live in the South, lady. It's supposed to be unseasonably warm and I should be complaining right now about how it never even got cold this winter and how I wasted money we don't have on snow boots and heavy coats.

That's how it's supposed to be and you're mucking it up for everyone. My surly nine year old is currently snowballing the house in an effort to drive my whiny two year old absolutely bonkers. My whiny two year old is banging on the windows yelling about how my surly nine year old is going to get eaten by wolves. And this is all your fault, you nasty wench.

I must now trudge out into your icy cold punishment and pretend that it's fun to freeze my backside off just so that my kids can roll around in snow for point-five seconds before crying that's too cold. Then I'll spend 10 minutes choreographing their move back inside so that wet clothes and feet don't ruin the carpet.

But you go ahead laugh, you old bitch. Laugh it the eff up. Because the next time there's a drought and everyone's crying about how your earth is cracked and dry and your lakes are evaporating, I'm gonna bust a damn gut. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a snowy hell with my name on it.

**This post is part of What's Up? Wednesday.


  • TKW

    Go ahead and laugh, you old bitch...

    Thank you, I am! :)

  • Cheri

    Kelly - this is an awesome post! I was seriously cracking up. I have my own little issues with "nature" today that I'll be posting about later... but this just really got me.

  • Anonymous

    Love it- I feel the same way about winter and her moods. Thanks for stopping by my site!

  • Marianne Elixir

    Ha! This made me laugh out loud today. You are funny.

  • Andrea

    Oh dear! We do not have snow where I live but I understand the desperate longing for warmth that comes at the end of winter. xo

  • extreme personal measures

    Stopping by from SITS to say Hi!
    I am adding you so I can come back & read more!
    Please stop by!

  • Anonymous

    That is F'in funny. I'm with you. Can't you just throw both the kids in a snowbank and call it a day?
    Took my girls out yesterday to play in the mushy nasty wet crap that is more like slush than snow. She was drenched. As we were walking back in through the garage she fell in the sand and crap, threw her self into a temper tantrum and rolled around in it. Yeah! Fun Times!

  • Lee

    I LOVE this blog!! I have to follow and your writing...awesome!! I am so glad you stopped by on my SITS day and you are my first return visit!

  • Jennifer Vanderbeek

    Stopping by from SITS...

    As I said in another set of comments on another Southern blogger's bitch-fest to nature: Mother Nature must be giving Father Time the really cold shoulder. There is no other explanation ;-)

  • Joey Lynn Resciniti

    You had 60 degrees! We're looking forward to 40s and seeing the actual sun this weekend!

    I hope get your heat back soon. When you do, go ahead and send some up North too!

  • amber_mtmc

    I can't believe you have so much snow. It is absolutely unfair to both you AND your kids. Arrrgh.

  • Unknown

    I know it must be annoying to hear this, but I'm so jealous! I live in Vegas- it doesn't snow here. It looks so pretty!
    Thanks for linking up for What's Up? Wednesday!

  • Kelly Miller

    Normally we get a big snow every three or four years. However, we've had three big snows since January. If that isn't a sign that climate change is a real thing, I don't know what is.

    It's supposed to be mid-60s this weekend so it looks like my letter worked!

  • tattytiara

    Meanwhile up in Canada my lawn's half thawed at least a month ahead of schedule. Weirdness on an international scale.

  • Annie @ Sister Wisdom

    hahaha! Hilarious. Tell her.

Post a Comment

I'd love to hear what you have to say! (If you want an emailed response, be sure to enable email in your Blogger settings -- see a tutorial here.)

Now. Spill it!