bad news bears. my little sister - gifted thespian and prime comedian - was told on friday that she's in chronic rejection.
chronic. not accute like we've been dealing with. accute you can throw medicine at and keep on moving. accute you hook up a home IV and drink some ensure.
no, chronic is not accute. chronic says this body no longer wants these lungs in its presence and so we will begin to kill them off. slowly. and you - little girl who inhabits this body - you will die slowly too. one pound dropped at a time.
and my sister, three years post-transplant on the 15th, is so fucking brave. i can't say whether it's fair or not because she was supposed to die years ago. cheated death even by not dying on the operating table, by breathing through someone else's lungs no less than 12 hours later.
is it fair to me? i don't know. i've had my sister in my life for almost 24 years. that's damned long time when you consider she was supposed to die at 10, then at 12, then at 16, etc. her life keeps getting an extension.
i hear the word chronic and it's like all the doors and windows slam shut at the same time and i'm suffocating. my lungs are dying right along with hers. my body is disappearing just as hers is. i hear the word chronic and i'm reminded that three years ago she finally got to see life from outside the 'chronic illness' umbrella. from a window not streaked with 'terminal'.
so i'm going to be selfish and irrational. i'm going to wail and scream and hurtle objects into the atmosphere. i'm going to plead and demand that my sister's lungs stay right where they are. that modern medicine finds a way to fix this. that someone, god even, takes pity on this woman - places a hand on her chest and whispers 'life'.
and she lives.
18.2.04
10.2.04
6.2.04
Making friends
believe it or not i'm not very good at making friends.
no, really. people either like me or hate me. i'm not perky, i don't ask about your day, i don't give two flips about what your evening plans are.
i just sit back and observe. listening takes skill - talking in excess seems sloppy to me. i mean, why talk when you've got no content?
this is burdening me today because my office is restructuring. i'll be moving to another office with another officemate. not my homie kg. and this is the ONE person in this entire company i've officially labelled obnoxious.
he's awkward around me too. like everything i say is serious. like everything i say he has to consider and weigh and make a value call on. i don't care if you wanted to major in philosophy and got stuck with communications instead. i want you to see through your egg shells and be fucking normal.
and now i've got to spend 8 hours a day with him. actually, he's a chain smoker, so he spends a good 3 hours each day outside. plus he comes in at 10 and leaves at 7. i come in at 7:30 and leave at 4. not much of an overlap there.
yucky boys. so anyway. this office is on the other side of the building. you remember i'm new, right? well. i don't know smack about anyone over there so now the impetus is on me to be one of them. part of the 201 group. and i'm not good at group. or talking for the fun of it. at least not anymore.
don't get me wrong. in a nonwork environment i can talk your ear off. but, i spent two years in the hell that is the U.S. EPA where i wasn't allowed to talk to anyone for fear of losing my job. it's ingrained.
so, kiddos. what to do? smile and be perky and insincere and fake? be my normal self and risk being deemed "the loner"? we all know loners don't get promoted to upper management.
no, really. people either like me or hate me. i'm not perky, i don't ask about your day, i don't give two flips about what your evening plans are.
i just sit back and observe. listening takes skill - talking in excess seems sloppy to me. i mean, why talk when you've got no content?
this is burdening me today because my office is restructuring. i'll be moving to another office with another officemate. not my homie kg. and this is the ONE person in this entire company i've officially labelled obnoxious.
he's awkward around me too. like everything i say is serious. like everything i say he has to consider and weigh and make a value call on. i don't care if you wanted to major in philosophy and got stuck with communications instead. i want you to see through your egg shells and be fucking normal.
and now i've got to spend 8 hours a day with him. actually, he's a chain smoker, so he spends a good 3 hours each day outside. plus he comes in at 10 and leaves at 7. i come in at 7:30 and leave at 4. not much of an overlap there.
yucky boys. so anyway. this office is on the other side of the building. you remember i'm new, right? well. i don't know smack about anyone over there so now the impetus is on me to be one of them. part of the 201 group. and i'm not good at group. or talking for the fun of it. at least not anymore.
don't get me wrong. in a nonwork environment i can talk your ear off. but, i spent two years in the hell that is the U.S. EPA where i wasn't allowed to talk to anyone for fear of losing my job. it's ingrained.
so, kiddos. what to do? smile and be perky and insincere and fake? be my normal self and risk being deemed "the loner"? we all know loners don't get promoted to upper management.
26.1.04
The boy wins
i was going to update - really, i was. but then javi came in wearing nothing but hulk underwear and knee-high spiderman socks. he was yelling at me to get him dressed.
'no!no!no! nonan!' he kept screaming and pointing out the windows. apparently snow is a big deal to three year olds.
so, rather than update, i'll go put clothes over that perfect outfit and haul that little guy outside for at least 10 minutes until i can't stand the cold anymore and i use power rangers to lure him back inside.
ya gotta love winter.
'no!no!no! nonan!' he kept screaming and pointing out the windows. apparently snow is a big deal to three year olds.
so, rather than update, i'll go put clothes over that perfect outfit and haul that little guy outside for at least 10 minutes until i can't stand the cold anymore and i use power rangers to lure him back inside.
ya gotta love winter.
25.1.04
Home visit
first appointment with dss today. i just don't know why i've doled out the big bucks when they ask me the very same information as is on the adoption record. i think they're testing me.
"if she snaps at us for asking her to waste her time while paying us an arm and a leg, we'll RIP that kid out of her home so fast her head will spin!"
the fuckers.
anyway, i've been out of the loop for awhile. work, kid, work, school, work, kid ... you get the picture. this semester's students are turning out to be more fun than stupid. that's a good thing, in case you needed to ask.
i'm getting addicted to coffee again. when i slaved in the famously overpriced corporate coffee machine i became way too attached to caramel lattes. now it's spiced chai breve drip. y'all get that?
i'm on the 3rd month of my last pair of contact lenses and have to shell out too much money to my loansharks (re: fleet and citibank) to buy more. this is insanity!
i got the Get Used to Lonesome ultramix in the mail today and haven't stopped listening to it since. i do believe it may become a soundtrack. thanks you!
the child must sleep now. the mama must eat ice cream and watch the oc now. the bank must credit the mama's account with a million dollars now (just in case it works)!
"if she snaps at us for asking her to waste her time while paying us an arm and a leg, we'll RIP that kid out of her home so fast her head will spin!"
the fuckers.
anyway, i've been out of the loop for awhile. work, kid, work, school, work, kid ... you get the picture. this semester's students are turning out to be more fun than stupid. that's a good thing, in case you needed to ask.
i'm getting addicted to coffee again. when i slaved in the famously overpriced corporate coffee machine i became way too attached to caramel lattes. now it's spiced chai breve drip. y'all get that?
i'm on the 3rd month of my last pair of contact lenses and have to shell out too much money to my loansharks (re: fleet and citibank) to buy more. this is insanity!
i got the Get Used to Lonesome ultramix in the mail today and haven't stopped listening to it since. i do believe it may become a soundtrack. thanks you!
the child must sleep now. the mama must eat ice cream and watch the oc now. the bank must credit the mama's account with a million dollars now (just in case it works)!
6.1.04
In motion
i watched this corny movie this weekend - Buying The Cow. ever seen it? it was typical and nonchallenging, but i was struck by a line of dialogue.
woman: the worst thing you can do is lose the person you love because you're afraid of commitment.
man: no, the worst thing you can do is commit to the wrong person because you're afraid of loneliness.
ain't THAT the damned truth. luckily, i know my fears come from that nasty commitment phobia and not from any hesitation about whether or not miller is the perfect fit for me. we're interlocking pieces, this i know.
however, in light of that mini-revelation, and after watching antoine fisher and crying through the entire movie, i have stumbled on my 5 year plan. it involves spitting out a biological kid next year (2005) and then fostering/adopting american kids after 2009.
cause, ya know, not enough american kids are adopted. or fostered. and i have the ability, the desire, and the resources to pitch in. is this a resolution? i hadn't really thought of that til just now, but i don't think it is. when i saw the angelina jolie interview with barbara walters and she said "i cannot consciously birth a child knowing there are so many in this world with no family," i completely agreed. that spoke to me. that has been my secret belief that i'm only now voicing.
however, i must compromise with my partner who intently wants a biological child. selfish though i think it is, i understand the biological/social urge to father and raise your offspring. but after that? i'm done with procreating.
uh. i got off track here. i suppose commitment and family and my sociopolitcal ideas are all interconnected, but i think i came here wanting to tell you that i'm up and moving and trying to use 2004 to set up the rest of my life.
i also wanted to tell you that listening to rickie lee jones and reading color lines is not the way to discourage myself.
woman: the worst thing you can do is lose the person you love because you're afraid of commitment.
man: no, the worst thing you can do is commit to the wrong person because you're afraid of loneliness.
ain't THAT the damned truth. luckily, i know my fears come from that nasty commitment phobia and not from any hesitation about whether or not miller is the perfect fit for me. we're interlocking pieces, this i know.
however, in light of that mini-revelation, and after watching antoine fisher and crying through the entire movie, i have stumbled on my 5 year plan. it involves spitting out a biological kid next year (2005) and then fostering/adopting american kids after 2009.
cause, ya know, not enough american kids are adopted. or fostered. and i have the ability, the desire, and the resources to pitch in. is this a resolution? i hadn't really thought of that til just now, but i don't think it is. when i saw the angelina jolie interview with barbara walters and she said "i cannot consciously birth a child knowing there are so many in this world with no family," i completely agreed. that spoke to me. that has been my secret belief that i'm only now voicing.
however, i must compromise with my partner who intently wants a biological child. selfish though i think it is, i understand the biological/social urge to father and raise your offspring. but after that? i'm done with procreating.
uh. i got off track here. i suppose commitment and family and my sociopolitcal ideas are all interconnected, but i think i came here wanting to tell you that i'm up and moving and trying to use 2004 to set up the rest of my life.
i also wanted to tell you that listening to rickie lee jones and reading color lines is not the way to discourage myself.
4.1.04
The problem with carpooling
I have a problem.
I let people into my life too quickly. While I don't necessarily put my guard down, I do allow them to infiltrate my precious space.
And I'm space-hungry woman.
So now I've got a ride-along who I can't stand. Who spews negativity at me for an hour each way. Who works down the hall and so could easily cause problems for me at work.
Sample conversation:
Me: "I'm so excited April is here because Pluck gets to start his swimming lessons. He loves the water."
Her: "Yeah, until he drowns!"
No really. She said that.
Sample conversation:
Me: "The mosquitos got Javi at school yesterday. I told them (daycare) to put spray on him but I guess I'll have to make sure - even if it means doing it myself."
Her: "WHAT! Of course YOU have to make sure. It's YOUR kid! I can't believe you didn't put spray on him!"
No really. She said that.
I'm just so fucking fed up with it. And, of course, I get stuck driving everywhere since we're commuting and people think that means I like to drive.
I do like to drive. Just not with someone who screams when I avoid potholes and who makes nasty comments when I stay within the speed limits and nastier comments when I exceed them and who likes to talk shit about my driving to my other passengers who don't talk shit back and who has never once said a positive thing ... about anything!
I've decided i have to end things. but how?! And why do i keep putting myself in these situations? Life is NOT a Friends episode. Things don't just work out between strangers.
And it's as much my fault as it is their's. I should understand my limitations. I should respect my sacred spaces. I should GET TO KNOW SOMEONE before encouraging them to change their lifestyle or agreeing to change my lifestyle right along with them.
I suppose this is an epiphany. It is not one sided when you feel violated. As Susan Scott would say - You get what you tolerate.
Let's hope the breakup goes well.
I let people into my life too quickly. While I don't necessarily put my guard down, I do allow them to infiltrate my precious space.
And I'm space-hungry woman.
So now I've got a ride-along who I can't stand. Who spews negativity at me for an hour each way. Who works down the hall and so could easily cause problems for me at work.
Sample conversation:
Me: "I'm so excited April is here because Pluck gets to start his swimming lessons. He loves the water."
Her: "Yeah, until he drowns!"
No really. She said that.
Sample conversation:
Me: "The mosquitos got Javi at school yesterday. I told them (daycare) to put spray on him but I guess I'll have to make sure - even if it means doing it myself."
Her: "WHAT! Of course YOU have to make sure. It's YOUR kid! I can't believe you didn't put spray on him!"
No really. She said that.
I'm just so fucking fed up with it. And, of course, I get stuck driving everywhere since we're commuting and people think that means I like to drive.
I do like to drive. Just not with someone who screams when I avoid potholes and who makes nasty comments when I stay within the speed limits and nastier comments when I exceed them and who likes to talk shit about my driving to my other passengers who don't talk shit back and who has never once said a positive thing ... about anything!
I've decided i have to end things. but how?! And why do i keep putting myself in these situations? Life is NOT a Friends episode. Things don't just work out between strangers.
And it's as much my fault as it is their's. I should understand my limitations. I should respect my sacred spaces. I should GET TO KNOW SOMEONE before encouraging them to change their lifestyle or agreeing to change my lifestyle right along with them.
I suppose this is an epiphany. It is not one sided when you feel violated. As Susan Scott would say - You get what you tolerate.
Let's hope the breakup goes well.
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