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After having to push two sets of hands, a deck of Scooby Doo cards, a grungy pink sandal, the Wii-mote, an empty Gatorade bottle, and miscellaneous crayons out of my face:
Me: "You have to stop shoving things in my face. I am AT WORK."
Bella: "No, you not at work. You AT HOME." (Imagine her moonface and saucer eyes.)
Javi: "Yeah. On the computer is not AT WORK." (Imagine his eyeballs rolling around on the floor.)
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After hearing me talk to a friend who watched the kids so I could go on the radio to talk about my side project:
Javi: "You were on the radio?" (Imagine pure confusion.)
Me: "Yep, this morning. That's why you're here."
Javi: "Like ON THE RADIO? Why? You're not famous. You don't even wear pants or brush your hair." (Imagine 9-year-old righteous indignation.)
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After hearing the sound of broken glass being moved around (because I put it in the middle of the table to keep it safe from the kids, but she found it while I was in the bathroom):
Me: "Bella May, if you don't leave that glass alone and go back to your tray to eat your breakfast, I'm going to spank your bum."
Bella: "Okay. Just not too hard, Mom!"
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After asking why Javi needed to write a letter to Santa in the middle of July:
Javi: "Time is running out, Mama. First I gotta get the letter to the mail box. You know mail runs so slow and this letter has to get all the way to the North Pole. Then Santa has to send me a letter back and then he has to call you to see what I can have. And then the elves have to make everything and then Santa has to deliver it."
Me: "Oh."
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After allowing both kids to make Christmas lists:
Me: "Remember to only ask for a few things you really want."
Javi: "That's what I did. I only asked for a real monkey and clothes to dress him in, a red PSP, an American flag electric guitar, an American flag laptop, and a golden statue of myself."
Me: "Those are the few things?"
Javi: "Yep."
Bella: "An I want a real monkey, too. And a real horse named 'Phonso and a real girl named PeePee.* And some gummies. And a movie featre."
Me: "Guess Santa's gonna be busy."
Javi: "Now do you see why we have to mail these now?" (Imagine pure 9-year-old exasperation.)
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While being forced to entertain herself and doing so by writing pretend letters:
Bella: "Dear Grandma. I love you very much. Dear Grandma. Come pick me up. If you need me, I'll call. Dear Grandma. If you need me to come pick you up, I will come. Dear Grandma. I will need you if I need you. Dear Grandma. If you want to pick me up, I will go."
Me: "Is Javi writing those for you?"
Bella: "No, I'm writing them in my brain."
Me: "That's too funny!"
Bella: "It is not funny. Dear PeePee. I love my Grandma. My mama is not funny. Come pick me up."
Me: "Do you want someone to come get you?"
Bella: "Duh, mama." (Imagine pure 3-year-old exasperation.)
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*My child has discovered The New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking and is already talking about being Pippi for Halloween (in between demands to be a wolf). I haven't had to watch Barbie in The Nutcracker in at least a week. That's one of the brightest spots of the summer!
Kelly, I think I was channeling you and didn’t know it. I prepared a post for tomorrow that looks exactly like yours here, with excerpts of my little girl’s “conversations” except she’s not talking in sentences yet so it’s nowhere near as hilarious as yours. I love that kids are so expressive, and their innocence makes it even more delightful because we may live in the same house, but they are a worldview apart. I have to say their world is better than ours though.
And kudos to you for being able to work with your kids around you. I only have one and I can barely focus on the task at hand with her constant need for attention, in a see-what-I’m-doing-mommy kind of way.
This is a complete hoot! Not sure which I love more, the comment about you not being famous because you "don't even wear pants or brush your hair" or the "in-my head" letters to grandma. Oh my God, your kids are pistols!
Too funny! You should ask Javi since when is hair brushing a requirement for being on the radio? And does he really believe you don't brush your hair???
@Justine - I can't wait to read your post for today. I love "shit kids say" and could listen to a funny kid all day long. Little people are the best because they are just figuring things out and don't let logic get in the way.
Working from home has been pretty ridiculous. Some days I daydream about valium. :)
Hey, I want a golden statue of myself, too!
@TKW & Cheri - He gets really upset that my hair isn't perfectly coiffed like many of his friends' moms. I also don't paint my nails or wear make up or jewelry. These are all character flaws according to my son.
Oh, and he has decided he needs to be on the radio with me next time. You know, to make sure I don't forget anything. Because he's my dad.
@Katie - I'm sure Saunders can make that happen for you!
I agree. I never ever get tired of shit kids say posts.
Allison - a girl after my own heart!
Oh my gosh! I LOVE this. You were on the freaking RADIO? You are famous. I would recommend wearing pants to your first event though.... although if you went pantless you certainly might get some extra publicity! Wink Wink!
Hahah I LOVE these. The things you miss with a hearing impairment. I need to start documenting some of the gold that is dropping from my kids mouths too. This was priceless. They literally had me laughing at each one.
Your comment about how it bothers Javi and he's your dad cracks me up too. I know the feeling. I have a daughter/mom too!!
Oh and I have to say I think your little asides (imagine his eyeballs rolling on the floor) were probably the funniest.
I love this post. And the Santa lead-time on correspondence makes perfect sense, doesn't it?
Having worked from a home office when my boys were very little, it was a training process to get them to understand that mom-in-office (with glass door to see and be seen) meant mom-at-work. The rule? No interruptions, unless there's blood.
It worked for us... and they seem to have made it to adolescence intact!
Your Side Project looks good! I wish I kept up with your blog better. When I do read it, I greatly enjoy it.
Of all my blogs on Google Reader, you write with the most frequency. You go girl! I better get with it.
@BLW - I love the no blood/no interruption rule. Unfortunately, I don't have a home office so when it's working time, the kids are usually in my lap, draped across my shoulders, or battling each other for my attention right in front of me. It's pretty awesome and glamorous. ;)
@Carolina - Girl! I write with the least frequency in my Reader. That lady above you? BigLittleWolf? She is a powerhouse of productivity, and every piece is excellently written. You should check her out!
I love this! Too funny!! I love the one about working and not really working. I get this all the time. Know those eyes exactly!
"You don't even wear pants or brush your hair!" SO funny.
And I used to get crap from my kids all the time when I worked from home. Hard to get them to understand that this computer is how Mom is getting paid.
"a golden statue of myself" I love it! Why didn't I think to ask for that??