10.2.04
6.2.04
Making friends
believe it or not i'm not very good at making friends.
no, really. people either like me or hate me. i'm not perky, i don't ask about your day, i don't give two flips about what your evening plans are.
i just sit back and observe. listening takes skill - talking in excess seems sloppy to me. i mean, why talk when you've got no content?
this is burdening me today because my office is restructuring. i'll be moving to another office with another officemate. not my homie kg. and this is the ONE person in this entire company i've officially labelled obnoxious.
he's awkward around me too. like everything i say is serious. like everything i say he has to consider and weigh and make a value call on. i don't care if you wanted to major in philosophy and got stuck with communications instead. i want you to see through your egg shells and be fucking normal.
and now i've got to spend 8 hours a day with him. actually, he's a chain smoker, so he spends a good 3 hours each day outside. plus he comes in at 10 and leaves at 7. i come in at 7:30 and leave at 4. not much of an overlap there.
yucky boys. so anyway. this office is on the other side of the building. you remember i'm new, right? well. i don't know smack about anyone over there so now the impetus is on me to be one of them. part of the 201 group. and i'm not good at group. or talking for the fun of it. at least not anymore.
don't get me wrong. in a nonwork environment i can talk your ear off. but, i spent two years in the hell that is the U.S. EPA where i wasn't allowed to talk to anyone for fear of losing my job. it's ingrained.
so, kiddos. what to do? smile and be perky and insincere and fake? be my normal self and risk being deemed "the loner"? we all know loners don't get promoted to upper management.
no, really. people either like me or hate me. i'm not perky, i don't ask about your day, i don't give two flips about what your evening plans are.
i just sit back and observe. listening takes skill - talking in excess seems sloppy to me. i mean, why talk when you've got no content?
this is burdening me today because my office is restructuring. i'll be moving to another office with another officemate. not my homie kg. and this is the ONE person in this entire company i've officially labelled obnoxious.
he's awkward around me too. like everything i say is serious. like everything i say he has to consider and weigh and make a value call on. i don't care if you wanted to major in philosophy and got stuck with communications instead. i want you to see through your egg shells and be fucking normal.
and now i've got to spend 8 hours a day with him. actually, he's a chain smoker, so he spends a good 3 hours each day outside. plus he comes in at 10 and leaves at 7. i come in at 7:30 and leave at 4. not much of an overlap there.
yucky boys. so anyway. this office is on the other side of the building. you remember i'm new, right? well. i don't know smack about anyone over there so now the impetus is on me to be one of them. part of the 201 group. and i'm not good at group. or talking for the fun of it. at least not anymore.
don't get me wrong. in a nonwork environment i can talk your ear off. but, i spent two years in the hell that is the U.S. EPA where i wasn't allowed to talk to anyone for fear of losing my job. it's ingrained.
so, kiddos. what to do? smile and be perky and insincere and fake? be my normal self and risk being deemed "the loner"? we all know loners don't get promoted to upper management.
26.1.04
The boy wins
i was going to update - really, i was. but then javi came in wearing nothing but hulk underwear and knee-high spiderman socks. he was yelling at me to get him dressed.
'no!no!no! nonan!' he kept screaming and pointing out the windows. apparently snow is a big deal to three year olds.
so, rather than update, i'll go put clothes over that perfect outfit and haul that little guy outside for at least 10 minutes until i can't stand the cold anymore and i use power rangers to lure him back inside.
ya gotta love winter.
'no!no!no! nonan!' he kept screaming and pointing out the windows. apparently snow is a big deal to three year olds.
so, rather than update, i'll go put clothes over that perfect outfit and haul that little guy outside for at least 10 minutes until i can't stand the cold anymore and i use power rangers to lure him back inside.
ya gotta love winter.
25.1.04
Home visit
first appointment with dss today. i just don't know why i've doled out the big bucks when they ask me the very same information as is on the adoption record. i think they're testing me.
"if she snaps at us for asking her to waste her time while paying us an arm and a leg, we'll RIP that kid out of her home so fast her head will spin!"
the fuckers.
anyway, i've been out of the loop for awhile. work, kid, work, school, work, kid ... you get the picture. this semester's students are turning out to be more fun than stupid. that's a good thing, in case you needed to ask.
i'm getting addicted to coffee again. when i slaved in the famously overpriced corporate coffee machine i became way too attached to caramel lattes. now it's spiced chai breve drip. y'all get that?
i'm on the 3rd month of my last pair of contact lenses and have to shell out too much money to my loansharks (re: fleet and citibank) to buy more. this is insanity!
i got the Get Used to Lonesome ultramix in the mail today and haven't stopped listening to it since. i do believe it may become a soundtrack. thanks you!
the child must sleep now. the mama must eat ice cream and watch the oc now. the bank must credit the mama's account with a million dollars now (just in case it works)!
"if she snaps at us for asking her to waste her time while paying us an arm and a leg, we'll RIP that kid out of her home so fast her head will spin!"
the fuckers.
anyway, i've been out of the loop for awhile. work, kid, work, school, work, kid ... you get the picture. this semester's students are turning out to be more fun than stupid. that's a good thing, in case you needed to ask.
i'm getting addicted to coffee again. when i slaved in the famously overpriced corporate coffee machine i became way too attached to caramel lattes. now it's spiced chai breve drip. y'all get that?
i'm on the 3rd month of my last pair of contact lenses and have to shell out too much money to my loansharks (re: fleet and citibank) to buy more. this is insanity!
i got the Get Used to Lonesome ultramix in the mail today and haven't stopped listening to it since. i do believe it may become a soundtrack. thanks you!
the child must sleep now. the mama must eat ice cream and watch the oc now. the bank must credit the mama's account with a million dollars now (just in case it works)!
6.1.04
In motion
i watched this corny movie this weekend - Buying The Cow. ever seen it? it was typical and nonchallenging, but i was struck by a line of dialogue.
woman: the worst thing you can do is lose the person you love because you're afraid of commitment.
man: no, the worst thing you can do is commit to the wrong person because you're afraid of loneliness.
ain't THAT the damned truth. luckily, i know my fears come from that nasty commitment phobia and not from any hesitation about whether or not miller is the perfect fit for me. we're interlocking pieces, this i know.
however, in light of that mini-revelation, and after watching antoine fisher and crying through the entire movie, i have stumbled on my 5 year plan. it involves spitting out a biological kid next year (2005) and then fostering/adopting american kids after 2009.
cause, ya know, not enough american kids are adopted. or fostered. and i have the ability, the desire, and the resources to pitch in. is this a resolution? i hadn't really thought of that til just now, but i don't think it is. when i saw the angelina jolie interview with barbara walters and she said "i cannot consciously birth a child knowing there are so many in this world with no family," i completely agreed. that spoke to me. that has been my secret belief that i'm only now voicing.
however, i must compromise with my partner who intently wants a biological child. selfish though i think it is, i understand the biological/social urge to father and raise your offspring. but after that? i'm done with procreating.
uh. i got off track here. i suppose commitment and family and my sociopolitcal ideas are all interconnected, but i think i came here wanting to tell you that i'm up and moving and trying to use 2004 to set up the rest of my life.
i also wanted to tell you that listening to rickie lee jones and reading color lines is not the way to discourage myself.
woman: the worst thing you can do is lose the person you love because you're afraid of commitment.
man: no, the worst thing you can do is commit to the wrong person because you're afraid of loneliness.
ain't THAT the damned truth. luckily, i know my fears come from that nasty commitment phobia and not from any hesitation about whether or not miller is the perfect fit for me. we're interlocking pieces, this i know.
however, in light of that mini-revelation, and after watching antoine fisher and crying through the entire movie, i have stumbled on my 5 year plan. it involves spitting out a biological kid next year (2005) and then fostering/adopting american kids after 2009.
cause, ya know, not enough american kids are adopted. or fostered. and i have the ability, the desire, and the resources to pitch in. is this a resolution? i hadn't really thought of that til just now, but i don't think it is. when i saw the angelina jolie interview with barbara walters and she said "i cannot consciously birth a child knowing there are so many in this world with no family," i completely agreed. that spoke to me. that has been my secret belief that i'm only now voicing.
however, i must compromise with my partner who intently wants a biological child. selfish though i think it is, i understand the biological/social urge to father and raise your offspring. but after that? i'm done with procreating.
uh. i got off track here. i suppose commitment and family and my sociopolitcal ideas are all interconnected, but i think i came here wanting to tell you that i'm up and moving and trying to use 2004 to set up the rest of my life.
i also wanted to tell you that listening to rickie lee jones and reading color lines is not the way to discourage myself.
4.1.04
The problem with carpooling
I have a problem.
I let people into my life too quickly. While I don't necessarily put my guard down, I do allow them to infiltrate my precious space.
And I'm space-hungry woman.
So now I've got a ride-along who I can't stand. Who spews negativity at me for an hour each way. Who works down the hall and so could easily cause problems for me at work.
Sample conversation:
Me: "I'm so excited April is here because Pluck gets to start his swimming lessons. He loves the water."
Her: "Yeah, until he drowns!"
No really. She said that.
Sample conversation:
Me: "The mosquitos got Javi at school yesterday. I told them (daycare) to put spray on him but I guess I'll have to make sure - even if it means doing it myself."
Her: "WHAT! Of course YOU have to make sure. It's YOUR kid! I can't believe you didn't put spray on him!"
No really. She said that.
I'm just so fucking fed up with it. And, of course, I get stuck driving everywhere since we're commuting and people think that means I like to drive.
I do like to drive. Just not with someone who screams when I avoid potholes and who makes nasty comments when I stay within the speed limits and nastier comments when I exceed them and who likes to talk shit about my driving to my other passengers who don't talk shit back and who has never once said a positive thing ... about anything!
I've decided i have to end things. but how?! And why do i keep putting myself in these situations? Life is NOT a Friends episode. Things don't just work out between strangers.
And it's as much my fault as it is their's. I should understand my limitations. I should respect my sacred spaces. I should GET TO KNOW SOMEONE before encouraging them to change their lifestyle or agreeing to change my lifestyle right along with them.
I suppose this is an epiphany. It is not one sided when you feel violated. As Susan Scott would say - You get what you tolerate.
Let's hope the breakup goes well.
I let people into my life too quickly. While I don't necessarily put my guard down, I do allow them to infiltrate my precious space.
And I'm space-hungry woman.
So now I've got a ride-along who I can't stand. Who spews negativity at me for an hour each way. Who works down the hall and so could easily cause problems for me at work.
Sample conversation:
Me: "I'm so excited April is here because Pluck gets to start his swimming lessons. He loves the water."
Her: "Yeah, until he drowns!"
No really. She said that.
Sample conversation:
Me: "The mosquitos got Javi at school yesterday. I told them (daycare) to put spray on him but I guess I'll have to make sure - even if it means doing it myself."
Her: "WHAT! Of course YOU have to make sure. It's YOUR kid! I can't believe you didn't put spray on him!"
No really. She said that.
I'm just so fucking fed up with it. And, of course, I get stuck driving everywhere since we're commuting and people think that means I like to drive.
I do like to drive. Just not with someone who screams when I avoid potholes and who makes nasty comments when I stay within the speed limits and nastier comments when I exceed them and who likes to talk shit about my driving to my other passengers who don't talk shit back and who has never once said a positive thing ... about anything!
I've decided i have to end things. but how?! And why do i keep putting myself in these situations? Life is NOT a Friends episode. Things don't just work out between strangers.
And it's as much my fault as it is their's. I should understand my limitations. I should respect my sacred spaces. I should GET TO KNOW SOMEONE before encouraging them to change their lifestyle or agreeing to change my lifestyle right along with them.
I suppose this is an epiphany. It is not one sided when you feel violated. As Susan Scott would say - You get what you tolerate.
Let's hope the breakup goes well.
16.10.02
Body Decorations
I'd like to admit two revelations i had last night:
1. i want to get my lip pierced.
2. i want a tattoo.
There reasons I haven't done either of the above are numerous, but I know the prevailing reason is Fear. That's right. Capital F.
I remember being about 12 years old at a mall with friends. There was a fiery red haired woman with the coolest boots I'd ever seen. She was fluid in movement and her voice boomed. I coveted those boots. Then, my eyes found their way to her mouth -- that source of force and confidence. In her lip was a slice of silver. I fell in love with her then. I also knew right at that moment that I, too, would have silver at my source.
Tatoos are a different story. Growing up in a working class/poor neighborhood, tattoos were an every day occurence. Just across the street from us lived John O, a tattoo artist who worked at the Roadhouse (yes, that was its name). My sister, being much more daring than I ever was, would do odd jobs around John O's house in exchange for tats. She has about seven, including a vine snaking up her side complete with tiny fairies. The first tattoo I wanted was a fairy in a teardrop shape. Now what I want is much more spiritual and connected to the person I am. Both my sisters are tattooed, but i am still harboring Fear.
Fear. Of pain, of social discrimination, of work discrimination, of infection, of pain of pain of pain.
And aren't I too old? I'll be 26 this year. The last person I knew with a lip piercing was 17. I feel too old.
But.
I have made a resolution. I will decorate my body anyway I see fit too. I will conquer my fears one step at a time.
I have decided.
I will get my lip pierced as a reward when i reach my goal weight. If between now and then I decide it isn't something I really want, then I'll abort mission.
I will get my first tattoo on my 30th birthday. Again, that leaves me more than enough to time to be sure it is something I truly want and not one of those "If I were a different person with a different life I'd..." type situations.
These are my revelations. I have decided.
1. i want to get my lip pierced.
2. i want a tattoo.
There reasons I haven't done either of the above are numerous, but I know the prevailing reason is Fear. That's right. Capital F.
I remember being about 12 years old at a mall with friends. There was a fiery red haired woman with the coolest boots I'd ever seen. She was fluid in movement and her voice boomed. I coveted those boots. Then, my eyes found their way to her mouth -- that source of force and confidence. In her lip was a slice of silver. I fell in love with her then. I also knew right at that moment that I, too, would have silver at my source.
Tatoos are a different story. Growing up in a working class/poor neighborhood, tattoos were an every day occurence. Just across the street from us lived John O, a tattoo artist who worked at the Roadhouse (yes, that was its name). My sister, being much more daring than I ever was, would do odd jobs around John O's house in exchange for tats. She has about seven, including a vine snaking up her side complete with tiny fairies. The first tattoo I wanted was a fairy in a teardrop shape. Now what I want is much more spiritual and connected to the person I am. Both my sisters are tattooed, but i am still harboring Fear.
Fear. Of pain, of social discrimination, of work discrimination, of infection, of pain of pain of pain.
And aren't I too old? I'll be 26 this year. The last person I knew with a lip piercing was 17. I feel too old.
But.
I have made a resolution. I will decorate my body anyway I see fit too. I will conquer my fears one step at a time.
I have decided.
I will get my lip pierced as a reward when i reach my goal weight. If between now and then I decide it isn't something I really want, then I'll abort mission.
I will get my first tattoo on my 30th birthday. Again, that leaves me more than enough to time to be sure it is something I truly want and not one of those "If I were a different person with a different life I'd..." type situations.
These are my revelations. I have decided.
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