If you were stranded alone a deserted island with only seven books to read over the next few years, which ones would you take?
My friend Cheryl chose some good ones. Here's are mine:
1. The Annotated Brothers Grimm. I own this book, but I've never read it. I bought it because I'm fascinated with the often blood curdling truth behind the fairy tales we grow up on. I think I'd actually sit down with it if forced to by virtue of having no other option.
2. Mosquito by Gayl Jones. I own this book, too -- it's bound with Corregidora and The Healing (making it one book). However, I've never been able to read it. Jones' style is very dense and rambling, turning just the first paragraph into mental gymnastics. I need to read this book, though, because the main character becomes heavily involved in the Mexican underground railroad. I was first exposed to Jones when I was interning at Beacon Press and helped write the Reader's Guide for The Healing, so these books (and this author) is close to my heart.
3. The Outsiders. This was one of my first favorite books and will always hold a special place in my heart. I introduced Javi to The Indian In The Cupboard series this weekend and my heart lifted because I know he's one step closer to right age for The Outsiders.
4. Borderlands/La Frontera: The New Mestiza. Gloria Anzaldua woke me up. Reading this book helped me understand the way I grew up and the world we live in. It also gave me a context for processing Who I Am. I like to re-read every few years to remind myself to stay grounded. I would try to find it bound with This Bridge Called My Back.
5. Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban. Animagus, father figures, werewolves ... what can I say? POA is the favorite book of the series, followed by Order of the Phoenix and then Goblet of Fire. I felt that Half-Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows were too ... rushed? I wanted to sit in things a while longer. I will say that at the end of HBP, I had to close my book and whisper NO! just like Sebastian in the Never Ending Story. That was a weird moment for me.
6. Drown by Junot Diaz. Gritty, intense, spellbinding... I read this book around the time that I first saw Fight Club so my feelings for one are inexcoriably linked. Both bring up aggression and a seething, pulsating anger ... but they both also make me feel alive. I also loved The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, but nearly in the same way.
7. The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver. Who doesn't love Kingsolver's books? It was really hard to choose between TPB, The Bean Trees series, and Prodigal Summer -- but I have read TPB four times already and I listened to it on audiotape three summers ago. I like to quote it and consider myself a forever a Leah and my baby sister forever a Ruth May (though she thinks she's an Adah). My older sister is definitely Rachel. Dude, I just got the urge to read it again. It's so good. If you haven't read it and you decide to, please tell me which sister you are.
Why only seven, universe? I had to leave off Bastard Out Of Carolina, The House On Mango Street, Woman Hollering Creek, The Color Purple, Possessing The Secret Of Joy, The Sweet Life Of Bees, The Fact Of A Doorframe, The Blue Estuaries, and so many more. I urge you to read any of these if you haven't already.
I'm a bibliophile, so this post gave me some mild anxiety. Thankfully there is no remote island and the library is just a short drive away.
5.10.09
Hi porn searchers
I'm not one to track visitors or monitor site stats, but I do like to see why people are coming to my blog. I first became interested after a group of pedophiles started tagging and tracking photos of Javi on Flickr. I figured -- if they're stalking him there, they are most likely stalking him here, too.
However, what I've found is a whole different (and tremendously better) group of porn searchers: those in search of MILFs. Now, in interest of total transparency, I am not a MILF (don't tell my husband that) -- but the people landing on my blog using the search string "Mom Porn" don't know that.
I have to wonder... what do those on the hunt for mom porn think when they land on a page that reveres the almight minivan? Do they get off on the beautiful and light home office? Perhaps it's the glorious visual of a lap-banded stomach.
For whatever reason the mom porn afficionados (and surely they are fancy shmancy afficionados and nowhere near as disgusting as the child predators who were after my kid) land on my blog, I'd like to give them a HELLO THERE! ENJOY THE MINIVAN! Because I do. Oh, I do.
However, what I've found is a whole different (and tremendously better) group of porn searchers: those in search of MILFs. Now, in interest of total transparency, I am not a MILF (don't tell my husband that) -- but the people landing on my blog using the search string "Mom Porn" don't know that.
I have to wonder... what do those on the hunt for mom porn think when they land on a page that reveres the almight minivan? Do they get off on the beautiful and light home office? Perhaps it's the glorious visual of a lap-banded stomach.
For whatever reason the mom porn afficionados (and surely they are fancy shmancy afficionados and nowhere near as disgusting as the child predators who were after my kid) land on my blog, I'd like to give them a HELLO THERE! ENJOY THE MINIVAN! Because I do. Oh, I do.
4.10.09
Kids' food drive
I spent yesterday raising money and collecting food for those in need in my community. Volunteering is extremely important to me and it's something I got out of my way to involve my children in.
Yesterday was a prime example of how you can be a parent of two with a full time job and still get out in your community to make a difference. The first part of the day we sold concessions at a local football game, but the second part of the day we collected non-perishable foods from area neighborhoods. If you're interested in getting your children involved in a fun, active project, you should try the food drive.
Here's how we do it:
--Collect paper grocery bags. We have done this in different ways. You could ask your friends and family to give you their paper bags, ask for a handful of paper bags each time you go to the grocery store, or ask a store to donate bags. A local Food Lion donated 500 bags to us last year and those have lasted us through this year.
--Create a flyer that tells all about your project, including what you're collecting, why you're collecting it, when you'll collect it, and where you'll donate what you collect. Staple the flier to one side of each paper bag. Let people know that all they need to do to donate is fill their bag and then set it outside for you.
--Leave the bags on your neighbors' doorsteps. Javi and I (along with other families) walked around five neighborhoods, but you could easily scale down this project and just leave bags for your neighbors. On a Tuesday, we left bags on everyone's doorsteps and then we came back on Saturday afternoon to pick them up.
Those who participated in the food drive left their filled bags back on their doorsteps. We didn't knock on doors, we didn't try to convince people to donate -- if there was no bag, we kept moving. On drop-off day we did everything on foot, but on pick-up day, we drove around with a pick-up truck and the kids got to sit in the back.
--Take the bags to your local food pantry. Once you've picked up all the bags people have set back out for you, drive it over to your food pantry or shelter. If your choice of food pantry is a popular donation spot, you may want to coordinate drop off with them so that they can make room for the donated food. You might also choose to divide your bags between different charities if you have a particularly big haul -- which will depend on how many bags you hand out.
We never alert our people when we're coming, but that's because we always donate to the same place -- an addiction recovery mission -- and no one else chooses to donate to them. Therefore, they are always in need.
Slight variation: In years past, we have also gotten one of the local middle schools involved. We brought boxes over to the middle schools and asked the 6th graders to compete against each other. The homeroom that collected the most food in their box won a pizza party. However, this isn't something one family could easily coordinate and pay for.
Our results: This year we distributed 260 empty paper bags on Tuesday and picked 60 of them back up on Saturday. While it would feel disheartening to know that 200 families chose not to participate in the food drive, we try to think more positively. 60 families chose to share their food -- and their hearts -- with those who are less fortunate. Several families told us that they shopped purposely to fill their bags with wholesome, healthy foods.
This is my family's favorite volunteer project, and that's because our hearts swell up (as do our eyes) when we deliver our bags of food to people who are struggling so hard to carve out a better life for themselves. I guarantee you that no matter how bags you hand out or how much food you are able to donate -- you'll create a memory and feeling for your children that they will never forget.
Let me know if you try it!
This is what works for me. What works for you?
Yesterday was a prime example of how you can be a parent of two with a full time job and still get out in your community to make a difference. The first part of the day we sold concessions at a local football game, but the second part of the day we collected non-perishable foods from area neighborhoods. If you're interested in getting your children involved in a fun, active project, you should try the food drive.
Here's how we do it:
--Collect paper grocery bags. We have done this in different ways. You could ask your friends and family to give you their paper bags, ask for a handful of paper bags each time you go to the grocery store, or ask a store to donate bags. A local Food Lion donated 500 bags to us last year and those have lasted us through this year.
--Create a flyer that tells all about your project, including what you're collecting, why you're collecting it, when you'll collect it, and where you'll donate what you collect. Staple the flier to one side of each paper bag. Let people know that all they need to do to donate is fill their bag and then set it outside for you.
--Leave the bags on your neighbors' doorsteps. Javi and I (along with other families) walked around five neighborhoods, but you could easily scale down this project and just leave bags for your neighbors. On a Tuesday, we left bags on everyone's doorsteps and then we came back on Saturday afternoon to pick them up.
Those who participated in the food drive left their filled bags back on their doorsteps. We didn't knock on doors, we didn't try to convince people to donate -- if there was no bag, we kept moving. On drop-off day we did everything on foot, but on pick-up day, we drove around with a pick-up truck and the kids got to sit in the back.
--Take the bags to your local food pantry. Once you've picked up all the bags people have set back out for you, drive it over to your food pantry or shelter. If your choice of food pantry is a popular donation spot, you may want to coordinate drop off with them so that they can make room for the donated food. You might also choose to divide your bags between different charities if you have a particularly big haul -- which will depend on how many bags you hand out.
We never alert our people when we're coming, but that's because we always donate to the same place -- an addiction recovery mission -- and no one else chooses to donate to them. Therefore, they are always in need.
Slight variation: In years past, we have also gotten one of the local middle schools involved. We brought boxes over to the middle schools and asked the 6th graders to compete against each other. The homeroom that collected the most food in their box won a pizza party. However, this isn't something one family could easily coordinate and pay for.
Our results: This year we distributed 260 empty paper bags on Tuesday and picked 60 of them back up on Saturday. While it would feel disheartening to know that 200 families chose not to participate in the food drive, we try to think more positively. 60 families chose to share their food -- and their hearts -- with those who are less fortunate. Several families told us that they shopped purposely to fill their bags with wholesome, healthy foods.
This is my family's favorite volunteer project, and that's because our hearts swell up (as do our eyes) when we deliver our bags of food to people who are struggling so hard to carve out a better life for themselves. I guarantee you that no matter how bags you hand out or how much food you are able to donate -- you'll create a memory and feeling for your children that they will never forget.
Let me know if you try it!
This is what works for me. What works for you?
2.10.09
I would never give him back
I struggle with something that's forbidden to talk about it and that will make many people think I'm a horrible person. It's something I railed against when I was pregnant, but only because secretly I'd had this certain feeling before -- and it wasn't because I loved or bonded with my own child in a way I couldn't with someone else's.
There have been days when I wanted to give him back.
There. I've said it. My sweet, smart, darling little boy who would rope the moon if it made me happy. That child I used to call Pluck and who would snuggle against me in the weak light of early morning when it was just the two of us against the world. The boy who will become the man that I shape and nurture him into.
I have thrown my hands up in surrender and hit the ground hard enough to bruise my knees because there have been days when I thought I was the wrong person for this job. Days when the scales tipped in favor of his biological parents. Days when I imagined what life would've been like had I not decided to adopt a child when I was 24 and just starting out in life.
So when I read that a woman actually did return her adopted child, it hits me like a punch to the gut. Not because I think she's a monster who treated a child like a pair of ill-fitting jeans, but because maybe she was right. Maybe those feelings are more than tired despair. Maybe what she did was selfless and brave, and what I am doing is selfish and cowardly.
Could someone else love my baby better than I do? Would he and I both be happier if I hadn't "protected the family" by tricking my sister into allowing me to adopt him? Is love enough to overcome the doubts that seem to linger too long?
To be fair, I don't blame Javi or think he has any role in the way I've felt about our relationship the way Tedaldi did. I know it's about me. I also know that I never wanted children. I never imagined myself as a woman who would do a good job raising her children with the strength, confidence, and love they need to endure our world. I often tease Billy by saying that when we get divorced, he'll have full custody of our children and I'll see them every other weekend.
But I love them, fiercely. I have gone to the mat for Javier countless times, and would gladly give up my life for him. I love him with everything I have. He's amazing and I was blessed with the chance to be his mother -- especially when I hear my sister say that if I hadn't been in that delivery room, she would've changed her mind, and I suffered through his biological father's twisted attempts to take him away from me (for all the wrong reasons, of course).
I have the belief that God gives children to the mothers (and fathers) who can handle them. I've seen it time and again -- the woman this summer who patiently and lovingly sat beside her autistic son in Javi's art class despite the child's refusal to touch any paints or paper, my friend whose son screamed every morning for years because he'd only wear an orange shirt or because she prepared his breakfast incorrectly, my own mother devotedly stationed at my other sister's bedside countless times over the years as she battled Cystic Fibrosis.
I know that God gives children to the mothers who can handle them. And I know that God gave Javi to me. Not through DNA, but He put that child squarely in my arms. I feel that every time I want to give up because something stronger surges through me and I am confident again that I made the right choice.
I don't really know if I did. I don't suppose I ever will. One of the sad things about the human condition is that once we choose a path, there's no way to go back and see what lay down the other road. When he's 30 years old, Javi may look back on his childhood and his parents and wonder why he got the short end of the stick. Or he may see my faults and inconsistencies and choose to love me anyway.
I can only pray for the latter. And I know in my heart that he is one of mine forever.
Update: Read my further explanation of these feelings here.
There have been days when I wanted to give him back.
There. I've said it. My sweet, smart, darling little boy who would rope the moon if it made me happy. That child I used to call Pluck and who would snuggle against me in the weak light of early morning when it was just the two of us against the world. The boy who will become the man that I shape and nurture him into.
I have thrown my hands up in surrender and hit the ground hard enough to bruise my knees because there have been days when I thought I was the wrong person for this job. Days when the scales tipped in favor of his biological parents. Days when I imagined what life would've been like had I not decided to adopt a child when I was 24 and just starting out in life.
So when I read that a woman actually did return her adopted child, it hits me like a punch to the gut. Not because I think she's a monster who treated a child like a pair of ill-fitting jeans, but because maybe she was right. Maybe those feelings are more than tired despair. Maybe what she did was selfless and brave, and what I am doing is selfish and cowardly.
Could someone else love my baby better than I do? Would he and I both be happier if I hadn't "protected the family" by tricking my sister into allowing me to adopt him? Is love enough to overcome the doubts that seem to linger too long?
To be fair, I don't blame Javi or think he has any role in the way I've felt about our relationship the way Tedaldi did. I know it's about me. I also know that I never wanted children. I never imagined myself as a woman who would do a good job raising her children with the strength, confidence, and love they need to endure our world. I often tease Billy by saying that when we get divorced, he'll have full custody of our children and I'll see them every other weekend.
But I love them, fiercely. I have gone to the mat for Javier countless times, and would gladly give up my life for him. I love him with everything I have. He's amazing and I was blessed with the chance to be his mother -- especially when I hear my sister say that if I hadn't been in that delivery room, she would've changed her mind, and I suffered through his biological father's twisted attempts to take him away from me (for all the wrong reasons, of course).
I have the belief that God gives children to the mothers (and fathers) who can handle them. I've seen it time and again -- the woman this summer who patiently and lovingly sat beside her autistic son in Javi's art class despite the child's refusal to touch any paints or paper, my friend whose son screamed every morning for years because he'd only wear an orange shirt or because she prepared his breakfast incorrectly, my own mother devotedly stationed at my other sister's bedside countless times over the years as she battled Cystic Fibrosis.
I know that God gives children to the mothers who can handle them. And I know that God gave Javi to me. Not through DNA, but He put that child squarely in my arms. I feel that every time I want to give up because something stronger surges through me and I am confident again that I made the right choice.
I don't really know if I did. I don't suppose I ever will. One of the sad things about the human condition is that once we choose a path, there's no way to go back and see what lay down the other road. When he's 30 years old, Javi may look back on his childhood and his parents and wonder why he got the short end of the stick. Or he may see my faults and inconsistencies and choose to love me anyway.
I can only pray for the latter. And I know in my heart that he is one of mine forever.
Update: Read my further explanation of these feelings here.
1.10.09
GTT: Smelly-good
Here's what you know if you want to live with me: Smells are not my friend.
Billy tries to wear cologne, put scented powders on the carpet before vacuuming (yes, he vacuums, and yes, he's mine), use scented plug-ins, burn scented candles or oils.... And each time, I give him a lecture. Because smells make my head hurt, badly. I aim for zero smells at all or I face a horrible headache that could last days.
But there are certain scents that I want to snuggle up inside: freshly cut grass, hair that's newly dyed, a recently washed body, onions cooking on the stove, cinnamon and orange peel simmering in boiled water, my babies' sweaty necks.
I also love the fall and the smells it brings with it. Harvesty, spicy, comforting smells like pumpkin, apple, something baking. My favorite Christmas ornament is a gingerbread man Javi made that smells like it was dusted in cinnamon. Unwrapping it makes me feel calm and safe.
But the smell that I absolutely love -- and which may mean I'm crazy -- my husband. No cologne, freshly washed or not. When I was pregnant and my sense of smell skyrocketed (making us all miserable), I used to make him take his shirt off so that I could nestle against him and inhale his natural scent.
Maybe it's phermones? Whatever the case, anytime I'm really stressed or feeling headachey, I can get instant relief from taking in a deep breath of Billy.
What smells do you love?
On the "miscarriage tweeter"
I am of the opinion that Penelope Trunk overshares. For the past week, she's been under fire for sending a tweet that read, "I'm in a board meeting. Having a miscarriage. Thank goodness, because there's a fucked-up 3-week hoop-jump to have an abortion in Wisconsin."
A little callous? Yes. A little too much information? Yes. Outside the domain of women's experiences? Not by a long shot.
In this CNN interview, she nails her point: Whether or not you agree with abortion, women have the right to have one.
It's a right -- not a privilege, not a crime, and not something anyone should have to sneak around to get. It's a right. Like free speech. Like bearing arms. Like due process. The government gave us that right -- whether or not you agree -- so it's wrong that states (like Wisconsin) go so far to undermine that right.
I was also impressed by her determination to clear up a common misconception that miscarriage is a point in time. It's not. It could go on for weeks. Many women must undergo devestating surgical procedures after a miscarriage. It's not like stubbing your toe or closing a door.
So while I don't think we need to read about Trunk's sex life, I do think she should continue shining a spotlight on women's issues.
A little callous? Yes. A little too much information? Yes. Outside the domain of women's experiences? Not by a long shot.
In this CNN interview, she nails her point: Whether or not you agree with abortion, women have the right to have one.
It's a right -- not a privilege, not a crime, and not something anyone should have to sneak around to get. It's a right. Like free speech. Like bearing arms. Like due process. The government gave us that right -- whether or not you agree -- so it's wrong that states (like Wisconsin) go so far to undermine that right.
I was also impressed by her determination to clear up a common misconception that miscarriage is a point in time. It's not. It could go on for weeks. Many women must undergo devestating surgical procedures after a miscarriage. It's not like stubbing your toe or closing a door.
So while I don't think we need to read about Trunk's sex life, I do think she should continue shining a spotlight on women's issues.
All my monkeys
Billy's birthday was yesterday. For the best gift ever, we bought him tickets to see a Tennesee football game on Oct. 10. It was so nice to see him surprised and excited. He later confessed that it's probably the best gift anyone has given him (and he grew up on the side of a mountain so that's probably true.) ;)
Bella spent most of the afternoon singing one of the three Happy Birthday songs she knows. There's "Happy birthday, happy birthday, happy happy birthday to you," a fun mix up of the tradition "Happy Birthday" song that plays when you hit the balloon Billy's coworkers gave him, and then the traditional song.
Because it was also Javi's third day of excellent behavior, we modified the words for him. "Happy third day, happy third day, happy happy third day to you." I think you can imagine the level of breaking it down the child experienced between cake, ice cream, and such fun praise.
In total, it was a quiet(ish) celebration with just us and Billy's parents, but we really had a good time together. I am so blessed to have this man and my children to call mine.
Happy 36th birthday, babe!
Bella spent most of the afternoon singing one of the three Happy Birthday songs she knows. There's "Happy birthday, happy birthday, happy happy birthday to you," a fun mix up of the tradition "Happy Birthday" song that plays when you hit the balloon Billy's coworkers gave him, and then the traditional song.
Because it was also Javi's third day of excellent behavior, we modified the words for him. "Happy third day, happy third day, happy happy third day to you." I think you can imagine the level of breaking it down the child experienced between cake, ice cream, and such fun praise.
In total, it was a quiet(ish) celebration with just us and Billy's parents, but we really had a good time together. I am so blessed to have this man and my children to call mine.
Happy 36th birthday, babe!
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